That's Farming.

July 03, 2019

That's Farming.

And just like that. My 23 days as a farmer are over.

And my heart is shattered … Just kidding, that’s a little dramatic.
But honestly, I can truly say without a doubt this is the life for me.

I’ll start from the beginning. How did I end up farming? Where am I? For how long? The questions I get every time I post some adorable photo of farm life or the animals.

I work as a nurse (most of ya’ll know this). Which means I meet so many incredible people in my line of work. Not only do I love all of my patients but I have made some really great friends out of colleagues as well. We go through hell and back together after all – so how can we not bond?

SO my colleague, and friend, Tanya, had asked me earlier this year if I could watch her place if she went on vacation in June. At the time, I swear she said for a week. Maybe I remembered that wrong. I love animals. Anyone who knows me knows I’ve been like this my whole life. The more, the better. I’ve dreamed of having property with a bunch of dogs, little farm animals, gardens, kids.

All the mayhem.

Give it to me.

All of it.

Sunset was the best time on the farm

Being all entrepreneurial I thought, I’ll just Airbnb out my place while I am farming, and wham. I’m also a lady boss making extra cash. That part so did not happen. I definitely could have, but I really just like my own space and don’t love the thought of having people in it. So enter – keeping two households (one including a farm) in check for three weeks.

So when Tanya asked me again if I’d farm sit her property in Black Creek, I said “of course”. When I asked her the dates she said June 9 – July 2…. Oh. So not a week. I had been going through some things in life, feeling pretty down and under a bit of stress. So naturally I thought – I should just hermit this out and stay home instead. But the logic stepped in and I thought, no … This is a little paradise. I think it will be just what I need. So my trusty side kick Carmen and I went out to do a run through of daily life on the farm and I instantly felt at ease and OVERLY excited. This property is like a secret garden or enchanted forest. Just pulling into the driveway and opening the big creaking gates is enough to calm anyone. I refer to my time on the farm as “three weeks of a constant meditative state”…. I say this but just wait until you read all the fun I’ve had. By fun I mean true mayhem.. I think I’m a failure as a farmer for sure but every time I fail and something bizarre happens – I love it even more.

On June 9^th, the morning before Tanya and her family departed for Italy we quickly caught up over the phone on the “new” things that have taken place around the farm since I last received an update. Now it is hard to tell these stories without people knowing how truly hilarious and lovable Tanya is as a person. I’ll try to do her justice.

“So there’s a killer in our neighbourhood”

Instantly my brain goes to the man who murdered his family in Black Creek all those years ago. Perfect. Can’t wait. I’m already a little nervous about being out on the farm alone.

“It’s a raccoon and it’s killing all our ducks. You won’t have to watch the ducklings once they hatch anymore because the raccoon got both of the mothers and the eggs.”

I’m a bit sad at this point but looking back, as Tanya says “That’s farming”. And, no human killer is a plus.

“So don’t be alarmed if you look out the window at midnight and there’s a man in the yard with a gun. We’ve hired him to come take care of the raccoon and check the live trap as well”.

Okay, perfect, so how do I differentiate this man, from a man with a gun coming to kill me?

Instead I ask, okay, where is the house key kept?

“Oh we don’t have a house key. I wouldn’t even know where to find one, but go ahead and lock yourself in at night if that makes you feel safer.”

(Disclaimer: The Raccoon ended up in the live trap. Due to his vast criminal record I cannot confirm nor disclose his current whereabouts).

Momma hard at work

So, my first two days watching the house I was actually working nightshift; the second morning I came home from work and my boots were nicely tucked off to the side where they should have been originally but I sloppily just left them at the door, like I do. At which moment I realized Oh … the hunter actually comes inside to get the gun. Kind of weird, but okay. We’re all still alive at this point.

My Best Friends
Gum boots

The property is a beautiful 2 acre fenced area. There are two elderly dogs, one is deaf, and both need medication. A grumpy cat who I’ve actually became decent friends with. Some fish. 11 ducks (9 now) 8 chickens (7 now), baby chicks – those happen while I’m there – 2 goats, and a sheep. Also, Suri of course comes with me – totalling us to 3 dogs. Daily activities are generally minimal. Feed the ducks and chickens, make sure everyone has water, hay for the larger animals every 3 days, water the plants, feed the fish. Keep everyone alive. Shove your hand down the dog’s throat to give it pills – you know. The usual. It really isn’t time consuming – and it’s pretty fun. “Eat anything in the gardens or freezers, don’t go into the goat pen – the big one is kind of mean and will try to ram you with his horns”.. I add this part in because you need to remember this part about the big goat I’m not supposed to go near for later. He’s friendly through the fence but is a little wild if you’re with him one on one.

Black Creek

The first big excitement happened about a week in when the baby chicks started to hatch. There were 10!!!! And they’re so, so cute. “Chick food and water and mom will do the rest” Tanya had said.
Every evening they’d be peeping away and were so tiny but they actually would get themselves stuck in one little area and couldn’t jump back out. It was too tall. So before it got dark I’d scoop them out and give them back to mom so they didn’t freeze. Sadly one morning on head count there was one missing!!! It must have popped over the ledge and couldn’t get back out. My heart broke for this sad little fluffy chick.
I actually think my first farming loss may have happened before this so let’s back track a bit to before I felt the need to head count all the chickens, chicks and ducks each morning. Before Tanya left she’d told me that the raccoon had been killing off the ducks about one a day! She’d given me the spiel about what to do if an animal got sick or died but a duck a day – that was going to be difficult to handle.

Good Momma with her sweet babies!

There were 11 ducks when I started house sitting and talk about animals acting like animals. It was so hot out and when I would refill their water bucket they’d always get so excited and jump around. Well, being the bunch of animals they are, they jumped all over the bucket and broke it … So I thought; well, I’ll buy them a kid pool and then they can have all the fun in the world and not break it. Ashley from work generously gave me her kid’s old pool. One morning, before the pool, I went outside to feed everyone to find Suri sniffing around the fence. She loves to chase the ducks and chickens but she doesn’t usually pay them much attention when they’re behind the fence. That’s when I saw… the racoon had gotten 2 of the ducks. I was so heart broken. They never even got to swim in their new pool. So ..much to my dismay .. I scooped each duck up.. in a garbage bag and put them in the dumpster … (Maybe this isn’t allowed, I don’t know .. but that’s how it went).. I apologized profusely (yep, to the dead ducks) and at this moment my new hate for the racoon started to evolve. I had to email Tanya an update and let her know about the two ducks. She wasn’t nearly as sad as me. I guess “that’s farming”.
I let the racoon hunter know and went off to my nightshifts – hoping it would be dealt with by time I was to sleep there at night again. On my next set of days off at about 3 am … I heard wild chicken screams. It was pitch black – as it is in Black Creek – so I grabbed my phone flashlight and saw little eyes walking across the yard in a slow wobble. When I looked into the main pen I saw big huge eyes staring back at me. At this point it was 3 am. Pitch black. I’m home alone (as I am every night) and there’s a chicken wildly screaming somewhere in the yard… Are the huge eyes the goat? Or is there something bigger than a raccoon out there? Maybe it was the cat in the yard and there’s actually a cougar out there …
If I let the dog out – and it’s something bigger, then I now have a dog issue too. If it’s the cat – I certainly can’t go shooting things in the dark and not knowing what they are. I’m not about to go out there because as I said IT’S DARK AS ALL HELL AND I’M HOME ALONE. Where is the racoon hunter now?
These are all the things going through my mind. Eventually the chicken calmed down and I opted to go back to bed for an hour – as the rooster gets up at 4, so that means everyone else does too. When I went out to find the chicken there were tufts of feathers everywhere, but I couldn’t find a chicken body so I decided it had survived. I eventually found its body deep in a bush, feet to the sky, which is when I decided that a daily morning head count was necessary. After the chicken death I asked Carmen to come over for a sleep over so that we could get this racoon once and for all – and I wouldn’t be so scared to go outside if someone else was there. Of course, the racoon never showed his cute little evil face the night I had called in back up. Things were relatively calm after that. No more racoon murders. A couple chicks were lost – not sure how they died – but “that’s farming”, I guess?

Like I said above, the rooster thinks we all want to be up at 4 am daily. So out here if I sleep until the rooster goes, I’ve done pretty good. Once he goes, the dogs go and everyone wants to be up for the day. So I learned, rooster goes, dogs go outside, and I go back to bed. However, one dog will dig himself out of the yard if left alone, so I decide I should leave the door open so that he doesn’t feel the need to escape. This is a pretty good routine. Until one morning, when I wake up and there’s two ducks …. In the kitchen. There are three nosy ducks in particular who like to escape their area and swim in the fish pond in front of the house – making it a real mess. Well I guess while they were in the pond they must have decided, let’s go see what’s going on inside. I think once in the kitchen, they probably attempted to leave through the sliding glass door, which is broken so is locked shut. I thought to myself .. how on earth am I going to get these out. Not that I mind them in here, since they’re so cute but they really do make a huge mess. Eventually after some “duck herding” maneuvers and food trails they were back outside. I don’t leave the door wide open anymore.

Now, I’ve always kind of been afraid of the dark; one of those weird things from my youth that I don’t love. I don’t love being outside in the dark, especially near forests. It’s all just too unpredictable. Being in a new area and a new home adds to the unease of it, I think. I’ve also noticed while I’m out here that people definitely come and go from the house when I’m not home. Sometimes the dogs are outside, sometimes in. Sometimes cabinets are left open that I haven’t opened. The house itself is a bit dated so it has different rooms and areas down hallways that kind of make it seem like anyone could be there. Eerie. So anyway, one evening I was coming home from being in town and there had been an accident right at the end of the road. The attendant said – go ahead and double back to Hamm road, take the connector to the highway, then to Piercy then double back to the other side to get home (this would have taken probably a good 45 min). It was about 9:40 pm which meant all the animals would be asleep and I needed to feed them before then. So I opted to leave my car at the side of the road, have a fire fighter escort me through, and get there before it was totally pitch black. It was only just over a km walk so would save a lot of time. However, it was still dusky and getting pretty dark out on my walk. I started to get that eerie feeling I get when I’m walking in the dark; maybe more-so being on a road of farms in unfamiliar areas. I got there in time to feed the ducks and chickens and get inside before total darkness. (This sounds like hilarity, I’m aware, but I can’t help being afraid of the dark.) As I’m feeding the dogs and about to take the clean bedding out of the dryer and set up my bed, the power goes out.

Perfect.

This is how horror movies are made.

My phone also has about 15% at this point. So, safety wise, I’m definitely winning at life. So I go to the kitchen where I remember seeing a stack of lanterns and flash lights. I click each one on. None work. Perfect. If this was a movie some masked human would kick over a rusty can in the barn and an animal would cackle in the night. I get to the last flashlight and it works. So I have a flash light and a phone light. I make my bed and I am getting myself all scared at this point. All three dogs are sleeping with me tonight. Morning comes and the power finally comes back on. No scary movie events have taken place (obviously). But the water pump has turned off so I have no water. I have located the panel box and check them all, seems fine. My dad tells me to walk the property and look for a pump house. Great. Into the wooded 2 acres I go. It’s not even dark at this point, I’m just a chicken. No luck. But I know the property and house pretty well now. Eventually I find it, in the room I was originally in with the panel box. Luckily after some advice from friends and an hour phone call from my dad I have crawled through some dark spaces with serious cobwebs, found a rusty old pump box (thingy?) pulled on, and broken a lever, and I have water. I feel a bit accomplished about this. Not sure why. Later in the day I realize that I have no hot water … So I try to re-light the pilot light with no luck. I have actually been living with no hot water for over a week now, but I just shower in Campbell River and other wise don’t really need it. One more farm fail … or accomplishment? Not sure which way to look at these moments.

Each morning goes like this. 3 scoops of chicken and duck feed and out I go. I say “good morning everyone” as if they care. I count the chickens, chicks, and ducks out loud, naturally. 9 ducks. 4 chickens out of the pens. 3 chickens in the pen, and 7 chicks. “Oh perfect, we’re all alive today, good work” or something along those line, again, as if they care. When you’re out there alone for 3 weeks a lot of talking to animals takes place. On my last weekend of farm sitting (heart breaking that this time has come), I come home from nightshift to find the goat, the one with the huge horns, has stuck his head through the fence and gotten his horns, and head, stuck on the outside of the fence. I know he’s stuck because he’s usually the first one to greet me at the fence and try to steal all the chicken food. I go tend to him and try to shove his head back through the fence but there’s really no moving him. I don’t know how he got his head out in the first place. After searching up and down for wire cutters I find some tiny clippers that I think will do. I eventually get his big goat head back through the fence and try to mend the hole I have created. Or I should say “we” have created. I feel like I do okay at patching it up – there’s still a gaping hole, but it will have to do. Flash forward to the next morning, after my third night shift and about 7 hours of sleep in almost 2 days. I get home, let all the dogs out. Walk to the kitchen.

Oh ….. there’s a goat.

In the yard.

Staring directly at me.

This is the goat that I’m not supposed to go into his pen because he’ll head butt me..

Think..

Plan: get the dogs back into the house. This part goes well. Next plan: Chicken food. He loves chicken food.

He looks cute and innocent doesn't he? Well he's smart and mischievous.

I bring a bucket of chicken food outside with me in hopes this goat won’t beat me up on site. He goes for the bait… but not in the nice – I’ll trickle it on the ground and he’ll follow me and jump through his little hole way – that I was hoping for. No, he pretty much slams his head into the bucket and as I try to pull it away to get him to follow me he just keeps pushing me further and further. I have one hand on his horn (as to not get impaled if he decides to hate me the minute the food is gone and one on the bucket). I try to get him back down the narrow space between the garage and the fence to his hole. He’s not having it. I try to “guide him” and tell him “there’s your hole, go back in” and throw chicken food on the other side. Still not having it. And why would he. There’s 2 acres of green grass, trees, plants and freedom on this side. So I decide to get him into the ducks area where it’s at least all fenced and I’m less lightly to get hooved or head butted by this thing. He’s a bit mad at this point as there’s no food left and he’s jumping around on his hind legs. So I quickly get more chicken food and bribe him into their area. This goes well so I continue to get him behind the barn where there are no other animals, it’s fenced in and I can plan how to actually get him back into his own area. I see the only gate in and it’s literally nailed shut with those little loopy nail things (no clue what they’re called but they have the chain pinned to the barn).

Crow bar.

Back into the garage I go to find the closest thing to a crow bar – which I do. It takes only a few tries to get it undone and the chain off. But the gate won’t open. There’s too much built up mud, goat poo and hay on the other side. Well I guess I’m digging this out; on 7 hours of sleep on my 3^rd of 5 night shifts. I’m actually not mad at all at this point. I just have no clue how there’s not a camera following me around this whole time because me trying to be a farmer is a joke. So eventually I get this gate open and go get MORE chicken food. This poor goat – it’s in heaven – but I’m sure it’ll feel sick later. While I am bribing it from the one area to the next I’ve left the gate open. Quick access. Out of one area and into the other. Easy right? I’ve got his horns for safety – and don’t turn my back to him. And he’s in. Success.. but the other goat has gotten out!!!! How …. She’s quick but she has a bad leg so I’m now worried she’s going to fall off the duck bridge or something and I’m going to have this goat stuck in the area that it’s not supposed to be in. I think she knows her time on the outside is limited because she’s frantically eating all the plants in the site. She’s not as mean and doesn’t have horns so she’s easier to get back into the right area. Once everyone is in I’ve re-chained it up and now patch the hole with some wooden pallet pieces I find laying around. The big goat isn’t happy about this. He had immediately gone back to his hole to try to escape again. I win.

Actually, goats are assholes. Like true fucking assholes (pardon my language - actually don't.. I give myself permission to swear because it's the truth and the world knows it)... I SO did not WIN! At all. I came home from work the next morning, after night shift number 4, to find not one.. but two... BOTH GOATS, outside their pen in the yard. They instantly saw me in the house and "goat" so excited they ran up onto the deck!!! So I instantly panicked thinking omg, what if he rams his goat horns through the window and breaks the slider door, I've heard stories of goats being too cheeky. So I'm frantically throwing chicken food out the window until they finally hop down and eat it. I head out with a bucket of chicken food, and the fish pond cleaner scoop thingy that gets all the bugs of the top of the water, because naturally this is how I will defend myself .. ( I'm post nightshift okay, this is all I come up with on the fly). As the goats charge me I put a handful of food on the bug catcher thing and hold it way out in front .. But they knock it down as usual. I get about half way to the gate before they knock all the food onto the ground and we're back at square one. I eventually get them back through both areas into their own pen, re secure my hole with a trusty pallet and a cinder block and proudly go back to bed.

Three long hours of sleep later (post nightshift number 4, remember) I wake up to Suri barking and I look out the window to find both asshole goats out... AGAIN... I fill up a little tupperware with food and close the lid. I am stealthy now and I need to outsmart these smart goats so I'm going to walk around the far side of the house so they don't see me coming and then shake the food tray when I get to the fence, close them in and voila .. Perfect, right? So I head out around the far side of the property and instantly they see me and come charging toward me..as they're getting closer and closer I throw the food container away from me like a flying saucer so they don't collide right into me.. This distracts them for about two seconds until it doesn't open and now they're back at me. So I grab the big one by the horn, as I do, so that it doesn't impale me out here on the farm alone and walk over to the bucket. They're mad. They want duck food and NOW. So I open the gate and they're kind of getting the drill now and are easier to usher into the duck area. They immediately start eating any and all plants they can find. I'm praying none of these are poisonous to goats. Before putting them back in their pen I need to properly secure this flipping hole that IIIIII created trying to rescue a goat with it's head stuck in the damn fence. I know he planned this now. He knew I'd rescue him and then he in turn could stretch through the fence and escape. It's a conspiracy, against me. So while they're eating the, hopefully not poisonous, plants I head into their area and THINK. Okay, one pallet isn't enough, how about two. So I heave up a muddy, goat shitty, soaking wet pallet and literally roll the damn thing (too heavy to carry) over to the hole. I prop both up so they kind of hold each other in and of course - secure it with my cinder block. While doing this I've managed to knock my little container of food over onto the OUTSIDE of the fence so instead of going all the way out and around I'm trying to reach through the hole, around my shitty (literally) pallets and grab this food, also while not getting a shock from the electrical wire running around the bottom of the whole area. Eventual success. I get the goats back in and they get ZERO food as a reward from me. Jerks. I try to go back to sleep as I'm heading on to my 5th nightshift, but that doesn't happen .. I lay there wide awake, all amped up about my escaping goats. So eventually I get up and properly patch the hole with extra wire so it's at least truly a fence (not the prettiest spot but it contains things) because at this point I need these animals to stay in for like 24 hours !! THATS IT! Eventually off to night shift I go and come home the next morning to ALL ANIMALS IN THEIR CONTAINMENT. Am I farmer now? I don't know. But I feel at least a little bit successful that I won against the goats. For now.

In between all the mayhem (which I actually love once it all goes okay in the end) I’ve enjoyed the quiet isolation of being on the farm. I feel like I'm back in the "city" of Campbell River and I miss the quiet nights and early morning rooster. I miss the chaos of three dogs (try finding a deaf dog in the bush before nighshift .. you can't even call it.. CHAOS) and waking up early to feed everyone and doing the head count. I truly enjoyed the beautiful gardens, the cows that line the fence on the property behind, the ducks splashing in their pool, watching the baby chicks get bigger. It’s all so peaceful. On sunny days I lay in the grass in the backyard and play with the dogs. Fresh garden strawberries and chicken eggs daily. The absolute BLISS of a summer downpour of rain on a farm full of big trees is pretty magical. I have so truly enjoyed every moment of this farm sitting gig. Not sure they'll invite me back but maybe if I'm lucky. Life gives you what you need and apparently I needed (and need) a farm, I needed to all around toughen up and just deal with things on the fly too apparently. I recommend farming if you ever get such an opportunity.