The more you do the things you’re afraid of the more you realize the things you’re afraid of are all in your head
(So far).
The more you do the things you’re afraid of the more you realize the things you’re afraid of are all in your head - Mac Miller (or maybe someone else and he stole this for his interview. Who knows these days).
I’ll break this into two Parts.
Part 1 is me & my thoughts so skip to Part 2 for just Italy if that’s what you’re here for (not offended in the slightest).
Part 1:
Do you ever stop thinking about something because what you’re thinking about brings up too many emotions. Whether they’re good or bad, sometimes it’s “easier” not to think about them.
So instead we think about the event, or thing, without the emotion attached.
Or we don’t think about the thing at all.
A lot of us have been doing it our whole lives.
For a lot of us it has saved us in many ways. Protected us.
I’d become comfortable with this, from a young age, and maybe an expert at it now as a nurse (especially since specializing in ICU, and experiencing the consistency of Covid loss and burnout).. We see a lot of things in this profession that would crumble the average person. Though we persevere, we never forget the hardest days, the saddest losses, and the most unfair experiences. But we also don’t properly feel them, because then how would we continue to provide the very best of ourselves at work everyday.
We couldn’t. Though necessary, this contributes to burn out. It takes intention to not push back these emotions all the time to know and understand how they’re useful and when they can wait, and be felt later.
One of my burn out losses has been writing .. I loved writing for so many years.. but I just got very tired and lost a bit of passion for some things in life. Just a little bit. (Also cooking, I lost that passion to burn out as well (but also working on getting that back, because hey, y’all know I love food - and good food at that).)
Anyway, the difference, the importance, is being able to feel everything outside of work. To not let this run over into the rest of life. This part is hard. It takes practice and a lot of intention. So this may be a bit of a more emotional comeback but I promise to turn this into bright things, glorious views, happy faces and food. And I’ll do my best to be funny, always.
This past year has been hard, and quite possibly the best because of the challenges. Not because any one monumental thing took place but most importantly because I’ve revisited every hard thing I’d so cautiously avoided and left behind in my life. (Thank you to the people who stuck through this very transformative process and let me just cry oceans for weeks/months - you’re the real MVPs). Amongst other things that life just throws at us, physical illnesses, hardships, frustrations and change. But let me tell you - the amount of unique beauty to come out of this past year.. unparalleled is the word I would choose.
To know yourself.
To really know yourself.
I recommend that.
The places, the people, the experiences. It’s a continuum. Zero chances I’d ever go back in time. Zero chance I’d change anything.
So, it only seemed fitting after some deep self exploration I’d cap off my 34th year with a visit to explore part of my roots.
Italy.
I felt anxious, I hadn’t travelled in a while. By anxious I mean I checked my passport between 27-30 times to make sure it still hadn’t expired and had nightmares of forgetting my sunscreen (I’m aware everywhere - or most places - in the world sell sunscreen, yes, don’t come at me). Also, I now know sunscreen ainnnnnt a thing in Italy. So, bonus points for myself for packing it (pat on the back). I’ve never left my home for this long since I’ve purchased it, not with both dogs, cat and multiple backyard birds to be cared for. So there was some small planning - and a tried and true community who helped make it happen (this alone makes me cry with gratitude - if you don’t have a small army in your corner at all times, work hard to create these relationships - they’re family).
The week leading up to departure, and especially the day of - a lot of people I love, and wouldn’t ever want to do life without, made special efforts to see me off, wish me luck, and support me whole heartedly in every choice I make.
So until the day I started to travel I tried to push back these emotions, to get through final days of work, final to do lists, dog care planning, etc etc… but just sitting at my gate waiting to board (and now sitting in my seat) I’ve spent some time reflecting - and feeling.
And this moment of overwhelm for all the people, all the experiences and moments - to have that amount of gratitude - sending me off on a little trip, a tiny portion of my year but some big moments of my life - I wouldn’t replace that for anything.
Alright - enough feels and rambling.
I love you all. You all know who you are.
Peace out Canada.
Peace out 34 (I love you the most).
Part 2.
Hello Italy.
Family.
Solo time.
Hopefully sun • shinnnne.
Prosecco.
Wine.
Old things - sorry to you historians, I promise to learn some thannnngs.
Carbs. Carbs. &… more carbs.
I’m now 5.5 days into my trip and watching the world that is Italy pass by my train window (at pretty high speed) and just starting my solo travel. This first time was spent with family, some I’d never met, some I had not seen since I was a child.
I can’t really put my words to this experience in any way that would do it justice. But what I can say, with zero hesitation, is that if you ever have an opportunity to visit a foreign part of YOU that you do not know, I can’t recommend it enough. Please go. Work hard to make this happen.
To my family .. who greeted me at airports and train stations, who hugged me, fed me, housed me, loved me, laughed with me, spoke English with me, travelled with me, shared typical Italian traditions and food with me, hiked with me, showed me your beautiful country, and my history and told me stories of my family … I will never be able to express my gratitude enough to you, for you, and to know you. Not only for what you did for me, but how you embraced eachother, and life, and allowed me the privilege to watch and experience how beautiful life is in your world.
I hope I can repay this one day to any and all of you in Canada.
Venice.
Venice was beautiful and historical. The walkways and hidden alley ways, seeing the city from eyes of locals was so unique.
It was busy busy busy, but worthy of all the steps and sites. It’s incredible to think that this city is a combination of so many small islands. Here I tried some traditional northern Italian foods and my first aperol spritz (can not go un-noted).
Treviso.
So beautiful and quaint - Prosecco (arguably the worlds best wine from some very thorough testers) .. need I say more. family moments I’ll never forget (truly I will cherish so much laughter and love forever). More good food than you can imagine. I recommend going here if you have the chance. Such a beautiful, clean city.
Dolomites.
Hiking in the Dolomites. Let me just post a photo of these Italian Alps and let your brain and heart be challenged to take in such vast beauty.
Vicenza (and surrounding areas).
Building new bonds and visiting old ones. Learning so much about family and genuine connection. The history of the place of my family and hearing stories of my papa.
Delicious Pizza and Gelato, and some architecture that will never leave my mind.
Now, I head out on my own for the remainder of my journey. With my heart full, my nerves a little on edge (after the Milano Train Station), and my eyessss open.
(Please, pass by all of my spelling and grammar mistakes and just appreciate the fact that I typed this out on my iPhone).
* Alright, since I wrote this there was a small emergency at my home and the beautiful humans who I would never want to do life without, stepped up in huge ways *.. find your people. Can’t stress this enough.
